


I Don’t Know Anything (But I Know I Miss You)

by jenniferxprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Cheerleader!Em, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, High School, Slow Burn, Soccer Star!JJ, this is gonna get so gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:21:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25550488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferxprentiss/pseuds/jenniferxprentiss
Summary: But if I just showed up at your partyWould you have me? Would you want me?Would you tell me to go fuck myselfOr lead me to the garden?Emily, JJ, and Aaron (and the rest of the BAU, really) navigate high school, love, sexuality, and parental relationships. Sometimes you have to lose everything you’ve got to make yourself whole again.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss/Aaron Hotchner, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 23
Kudos: 81





	1. Born From Just One Single Glance

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiii 
> 
> me writing a whole high school au because folklore made me feel things? more likely than u think 
> 
> idk I just like this so lemme know what you think? 
> 
> ily all!

The sun was bright and hot, shining down on the turf and making it scalding to the touch. There were only a few weeks until the school year started and every sports team was out practicing in the hot August sun. 

“Break! Go hydrate and we’ll come back for more drills.” 

JJ groaned, jogging off to her bag and grabbing her water bottle and downing a few sips. She mustered up enough energy to wave at Aaron and call him over to her bag. 

“Hotch! Over here!” 

He jogged over, dopey smile on his face as sweat cascaded down his face in rivulets. JJ made a face, snatching the towel in his hands and using it to wipe her face off. She flopped down in the grass beside her bag, throwing a water bottle at Aaron and giggling when he fumbled it. 

“It’s so hot and Coach Rossi wants us to practice another hour.” 

“Lucky. Coach Gideon said at least two more for us. Got a bunch of freshman on the team this year.”

They sat in silence for a moment, JJ laying on her back, tanned stomach peeking through her shirt. Hotch pinched her and she yelped, smacking at his hand, but her annoyance turned to a small smile at the way he laughed. 

They had been friends since they were born, practically, having lived two houses apart their entire lives. Aaron was still the only boy who could make JJ smile, the only boy who ever cared about her in return. When he got his license before her, he would pick her up for school and wait on her after soccer. The thought brought a small smile to her face, then a frown when she thought about the fact that this was it - the last year they were carefree kids enjoying high school and sports and parties. 

The last year they were kids without worrying too much about the future. 

The thought of schools and classes made JJ groan, earning herself a confused look from Aaron - it was typical, he was always a little bit confused. JJ blamed it on all the concussions from football. It always made her glad she chose a safer sport than oiled up boys in padding beating the fire out of each other. 

“What’re you thinking about?” 

“Hm?” JJ pushed up to her forearms, looking over at Aaron. “Oh. I have French this year and I’m totally going to fail. I need a tutor.” 

“I’ll ask Em for you!” His dopey grin was enough to have JJ say yes to anything and he knew it - used it to his advantage. “She’s super smart at all of that foreign stuff because of her mom. I don’t know why you don’t hang out with me when I’m with her.” 

The tiny frown on Hotch’s face was enough to make JJ feel bad, but not bad enough. She always felt like she was overstepping when she hung out with them together, and she was a little scared of Emily anyways. Her friends were the worst, the kinds of girls that made fun of Penny for being into theater and Spence for being weird, whatever that meant. 

“I don’t know, Hotch.” 

“She’s not an asshole. I swear she’s really being nice to you - she’s trying to be your friend.” 

The sharp pierce of a whistle in the air made them jump, heads snapping in the direction of the field. Their coaches were staring at them, both wearing similar expressions of annoyance. 

“Hotchner! Jareau! Social hour is over. Get on the field!” Coach Gideon bellowed, eyes squinting in the sun. 

As JJ jogged off, she had never been more thankful for Coach Rossi’s bad timing. 

———————

It felt like hours later when they were finally done with their drills for the day, the sun setting and casting a gorgeous pink orange glow on the field. JJ and Hotch packed their bags up side by side, taking off their equipment and cleats and moaning about how hot it had been. 

“Hi guys! JJ, are you riding home with us?” 

Emily. She was everything JJ wanted to be in a purely social sense, the perfect cheerleader with the perfect ponytail and perfect boyfriend. 

Her face was flushed, a thin sheen of sweat on her forehead and pink bag slung over her shoulder. Her bangs were stuck to her forehead, the rest of her hair pulled back into a ponytail. JJ wanted to scoff at her outfit - a sports bra and tiny shorts - but she didn’t want to create problems with Aaron. 

“Uh, I was going to. Or I could walk…” 

“No!” Hotch cleared his throat, grabbing his and JJ’s bags before starting the walk to the parking lot. “I mean no, you’re riding with us. Why do you get so weird?” 

“Why do you insist I’m the third wheel?” JJ’s retort lacked the annoyance she truly felt, too tired and sweaty to fight with him. 

“Hey.” Emily placed a hand on JJ’s shoulder and bless her, tried her best to hide her grimace at the amount of sweat on JJ and Aaron both. “You can ride with us, you can hang out with us. It’s not weird.” 

JJ felt the familiar pull of guilt in her stomach as she walked behind Aaron towards his car. She hated that he could make her do just about anything with the way he shot her a dopey smile and shook out his shaggy, dark hair. 

“So Emily, JJ needs a French tutor.” 

“Oh, I was just mentioning it, you really don’t —“ 

Emily stopped, turning to look at JJ with a hard, steely look in her eyes. Her gaze was captivating and JJ wanted to fall in, to believe anything she was about to say but she couldn’t - it was too dangerous to tread this with her best friend’s pretty girlfriend. 

“I will. You’re practically Aaron’s sister, I don’t get why you’re so scared of me.” 

They climbed into the car, JJ shaking her head and chuckling out a laugh under her breath. It made her laugh to think that Emily thought about her that much, in between her busy schedule of being popular and making fun of all the losers like her. 

“I’m not scared of you.” She paused, puffing up her cheeks and exhaled slowly. Why did Emily always challenge her like this? “But if I was scared of you, it would probably be the way you carry yourself like a badass and that your friends make fun of my friends.” 

Shit. Why did she just say that? 

“I’m not like them.” 

There was something unspoken about Emily’s tone, turning her face and staring out the window of the car. It confused JJ, the subtext that she didn’t quite understand because god, didn’t everyone want to be as popular and pretty and rich as her? 

“I didn’t say you were.” 

“Jayje, do you mind if I drop you first?” 

She shook her head, already buried in her phone and trying to escape the awkward exchange with Emily. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her - they just had nothing in common besides Aaron. 

The car was quiet for the rest of their drive, Emily staring out the window with her hands folded in her lap. JJ glanced up at her every few seconds, perplexed by the fact that she wasn’t immersed in her phone and what was probably twenty different group chats with the popular kids. She looked tired, but not in a physical sense, and it made JJ furrow her brow at the split second thought that Emily was anything but happy with her perfect life. 

They pulled up to her house and JJ nearly jumped out, thankful for the exit from the awkward silence and constantly switching stations of the radio, Emily’s deft fingers spinning the dial their entire ride but never settling on anything. She was halfway to her front door, soccer bag slung over her shoulder when she heard Emily’s voice call out to her, head peeking out the passenger window. 

“Jennifer, wait!” 

JJ turned around, ignoring the formality of her full name. Emily was waving at her with a ridiculous half smile and an energy JJ had never seen from her. She jogged back to the car, nearly groaning at the pain in her thighs and calves, stopping outside the window. 

“My number… so you can take me up on that tutoring.” 

She had a lopsided little half smile that brought a flush to JJ’s cheeks for some weird reason, face burning and heart flopping at the way she signed her name with a little heart, the way she scrawled her name and number out in a sparkly purple gel pen. 

“Ms Callahan has us practicing at the gym until school starts, so I didn’t know if I’d get the chance to tell you… anyways, text me? We can set something up.” 

JJ nodded dumbly, she was sure the expression on her face was priceless - slack jaw and blushing because holy shit, Emily was serious about tutoring her? She didn’t fear the inevitable social suicide? 

Maybe Emily was right, she wasn’t like her friends. 

“Thanks! I’ll um, I’ll catch you later.” She walked backwards up her driveway, unable to tear her eyes away from the goofy smile on both Emily and Aaron’s lips. “Bye, guys! Have a good evening!” 

She jogged up the front steps and into her house, only allowing herself to exhale when Aaron’s car pulled away because shit, what was that stupid giddy feeling in her chest? JJ sunk down, back sliding down the door as she sat and stared at the paper in her hands. 

Oh shit. 

She couldn’t have a crush on Hotch’s girlfriend just because she was nice to her one time.


	2. Fake Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suck at chapter summaries but... Emily has mommy issues that’s it that’s the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! 
> 
> long time no post for this fic. but that’s okay, because I’ve had time to plan a few things and I’m SO excited. high school Em owns my heart 
> 
> review, if you want.
> 
> xo

Emily could feel the sinking dread from the moment they got into Aaron’s car. Something about driving home gave her stomach turning nausea, the weight of the world falling back on her shoulders when she walked up her front steps. 

She leaned her forehead against the window, eyes unfocused as the houses and storefronts blurred into one constant motion. Her fingers fiddled with the radio dial, pretending not to notice when Aaron rolled his eyes. He laid a hand on her fingers, pulling them away from the dial. 

“Why don’t we listen to one song instead of all of them?” 

Emily made a small noise, something akin to an understanding hum. 

JJ’s presence in the back seat was stifling and she almost regretted inviting her, but the way she smiled and goofed off with them made it well worth it. And she was jealous - so fucking jealous of Jennifer Jareau and her perfect little family that she could spit or cry or scream - but she would never say a word, never dare to speak out. 

When cold, nimble fingers made contact with the back of her neck, Emily felt a shiver run down her spine. She picked her head up off the window, turning around and finding herself held captive by JJ’s bright blue eyes. Fuck, she didn’t know if she could ever look away. 

“You okay?” 

And god damn, her voice was so gentle that Emily wanted to cry. But she wouldn’t, she was poised like that, years of her mother drilling it into her head. She didn’t let her eyes water, let the tears she felt bubbling in her chest leak out. 

Instead she smiled, a plasticine upturn of her lips that didn’t quite meet her eyes.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a migraine.” 

“Another migraine? This is what, the third one this week?” 

Hotch looked over at her, concern etched onto his features, but the dopey boyish smile remained. He was young and fun, looked at Emily like she was the entire universe and it was suffocating - and she wasn’t sure how that made her feel. 

She loved him, so truly and purely, and his boyish face and awkward, lanky body, not yet accustomed to his height and newfound strength through football. The way his brown hair fell into his eyes, unruly and too long. The facial hair he was so proud of even though it was growing in patchy around his lopsided smile, the one she adored so much.

“Yeah, I get migraines when I’m stressed.” 

Emily knew that JJ could pick up on her lie, watched the way her lips thinned out in a pursed line, corners of her lips turning down. She nodded, eyes steely in some sort of look, a signal Emily didn’t quite pick up on. Something informal and, dare she say it, friendly?

“Maybe it’s because school starts soon.” 

“Yeah, Em, maybe that’s it. I’m stressed about French this year.” 

She made a small noise, turning to stare out the window to quell the flipping her stomach was doing. It did little to relieve her of the guilt, and she huffed when she couldn’t figure out why she felt that way. 

It was easier when Jennifer didn’t sit in the back seat, blue eyes boring a hole into the back of Emily’s head as she sat, a novel always unfolded in her lap but never a classic, never paying attention to the words on the page. She liked her, quite a bit for someone below her social status - something her mother drilled into her head from a young age but she tried to shake as much as she could. 

They pulled up to her house, Aaron stopping the car and looking at her with that boyish smile, the way he always did but it was different this time. It felt different somehow, in a way she couldn’t quite place. 

“This is your stop. Thanks for letting Jayje tag along today.”

“Yeah, I hate being the third wheel but I had fun today, I —“ 

Emily turned, steely gaze cutting JJ off. She wasn’t sure why she cared so much - why she felt so protective of Jennifer, chalked it up to her being Aaron’s best friend and the fact that Aaron was her boyfriend. 

“You’re not intruding on anything, don’t you get that? I wanted you to come today, that’s why we asked. It’s the mall, not a date.” She pursed her lips for a second, shaking her head and painting a smile on her face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. But I had fun today too. We should go out more often.” 

Her hand lingered on the door, a soft smile when Aaron pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. Emily swung her legs out of the car, standing up and leaning back in to shoot a small, shy smile and wave to Jennifer. She pretended not to notice the way her face reddened with a blush, the way her blue eyes twinkled. 

“Bye, guys. Thanks for inviting me!” 

As she walked up the front steps, Emily felt the familiar weight fall back on her shoulders — the weight of not being enough, not ever having been enough, societal and academic pressures alike. She sighed, pulling her hair from the ponytail she loved so much and ruffling her bangs out to fall over her forehead perfectly. Her hair was creased, but it would have to do. 

When she stepped inside she sighed — at least the onslaught of yelling and berating from her mother would wait a few minutes. 

She caught her sitting at the table, legs perfectly folded and hand wrapped around a crystal glass from their finest China, full of an amber liquid. She reeked, stunk of alcohol and cigars, and Emily wrinkled her nose. Her other hand tapped at the table, perfectly manicured nails clicking away against the surface. There was a look of displeasure on her mother’s face, etched deep into her features. 

Emily wondered if she ever actually looked happy. 

“Off with that Hotchner boy again?” 

She nodded, arms folding across her chest. This was always the worst, when her mother wanted to alienate any friends she had ever made if they weren’t high enough socially. Emily nearly rolled her eyes but thought better of herself, knowing the amount of trouble she would be in for disrespecting her mother. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, Emily? That isn’t a life you want for yourself. No one wants that.” 

“What isn’t a life I want? One where I’m loved? Where I’m not treated like a pawn?” 

There was a thick silence in the room, full of tension and anger. Emily felt like she was vibrating, felt the small shake of her hands in her pockets but didn’t let on — didn’t show her weakness. 

Her chest felt constructed and tight, a common occurrence when she talked to her mother. Ms. Blake said that was called anxiety, not that Elizabeth would ever believe that. She sighed, tugging a hand through her hair before looking pointedly at her mother. 

“I like being friends with Jennifer. I love Aaron.” She wasn’t sure of either of those things, but she knew her mother wouldn’t give up without a defense. 

“Oh, that Jareau girl?” 

Emily nodded, glimmer of hopeful happiness in her stomach that was promptly crushed when her mother’s face contorted into one of disgust and annoyance. Why did her mother have to ruin everything? 

“Those aren’t the sorts of people you need to associate with, Emily.” 

“Why not? Give me one good reason.” 

Her eyes locked on her mother’s, jaw set and wearing an expression of matching disgust. If she didn’t expect Emily to fight back, she shouldn’t have taught her so well. 

“She’s poor, her parents are godless, she’s not like us.” 

Emily felt a spark of something at the way her mother talked about Jennifer, and she was a little taken aback by it. Why did it bother her so badly? Why did she want to jump to Jen’s defense but never Aaron’s? She took a deep breath, felt her chest shake as she tried to refocus her thoughts. 

“She’s not like us, or she’s not like you? Listen, mom…” Emily sighed, scrubbing her hand over her face before shaking her head. “I don’t want to argue about my friends. But Jennifer and Aaron mean a lot to me, I don’t want to stop being friends just because they don’t… they aren’t…” 

“Like us.” Elizabeth took a long pull from her glass, looking pointedly at Emily over the rim. “Why don’t you make friends with Elle? I like her parents.” 

“You like her parents because they’re rich. I don’t like them.” She wanted to add that Elle was a bitch, but thought better of herself. 

There was another beat of silence between them, Elizabeth slurping out of her glass in a rather unladylike way. Emily suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, knowing it would only make the tension worse. She tried to think of a way to end the conversation, to be excused to her bedroom. 

“I have to go catch up on my required readings.” 

Elizabeth nodded, a look in her eyes that she wouldn’t let it go quite yet, but she was done for the night. She took it as her cue to exit, darting from the room before her mother could call her back. 

When she got to her room she unlocked the window, climbing out onto the roof and feeling a relief wash over her. Here, there was no pressure to perform, no pressure to say the right things at the right time. Here, she could just be Emily, the person she hasn’t truly figured out yet but she didn’t have to — she didn’t have to know everything all the time. 

She tried to live outside of her parents' influence, to love who she wanted and to be friends with who she wanted, but it was hard. It was hard to put on the same plasticine smile day after day when she could tell her parents weren’t truly happy, that they didn’t want to be there. 

With a soft sigh, Emily pulled her phone out and flicked through her contacts, desperate for some sort of interaction. Fake friends, her parents’ friends, kids from the cotillion classes her mother had her in...and two other names. Aaron and Jennifer. Her finger hovered over Aaron’s name, contemplating for a second. 

He was her boyfriend, she was supposed to call him with any issues she had, but he just wouldn’t get it. In a split second decision, her finger moved and tapped, bringing the phone up to her ear. She smiled when the line connected after the second ring, a genuine half smile that reached her eyes. 

“Hey, Jen… are you busy right now?”


	3. Straight Hair, Straight A’s, Straight Forward (Straight Girl)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her brow was furrowed, head cocked, watching Emily carefully as she dug through her bedside table’s drawer, watched the way Emily’s cherry red lips turned upwards in a sly smile when her fingers wrapped around something, pulling out a glass bottle wrapped in cloth. 
> 
> Emily carefully unwrapped the bottle — a fifth of her mother’s whiskey — a mischievous smirk on her face. This was something she had never dared do with anyone else, not even Aaron, but somehow Jennifer felt different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! 
> 
> It’s been a while (longer than I intended, truly) but I’m in a decent groove with this now and hopefully the chapters will start to flow out a little faster! 
> 
> Chapter title is from Little Miss Perfect (from write out loud) by Taylor Louderman. 
> 
> As always, review/kudos if you’d like, and come find me on tumblr for more content related to this AU! 
> 
> xo

Emily hated that she felt so nervous, that the sheer thought of bringing a friend home made her hands shake and chest pound. She had carefully planned so that her mother wouldn’t be home — planned for one of her bingo nights where she wouldn’t come dragging in until well after midnight. 

There was a knock at the door and Emily felt her stomach flip, willed the feeling to go away because this was Jennifer, her friend, not Aaron. She opened the door, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of her lips that immediately fell from her face because wow, Jennifer looked so different outside of school and soccer. 

Her hair was still pulled into its trademark ponytail, but she was lacking the sportswear Emily normally saw her in. She was wearing jeans, skinny enough to cling to every defined curve and muscle, with a faded band tee and holy shit, Emily felt her heart speed up at the way it hung off of one shoulder. 

“Jennifer… hi.” 

She wanted to kick herself for how ridiculous she sounded, shook her head in an attempt to ward away the blush she felt creeping up on her face. She tried not to be weird, not make this another big thing, to at least have one real friend this year. 

“You don’t have to call me by my full name, we’re friends. Everyone calls me JJ or Jayje, even coach Rossi.” 

Friends. It was almost a foreign concept to Emily, never allowed to forge relationships of her own — not without her mother’s direct approval, at least — but now she was nearly an adult, just under a year away from being able to leave home and find true freedom, make her own decisions whether her mother liked it or not. She mulled the idea over in her head, small ghost of a smile tugging the corners of her lips upwards, looked down at the floor before Jennifer could notice. 

“Then I’ll call you Jen.” 

“Jen... I like it. No one else calls me that.” 

JJ smiled at her, a little lopsided half smirk that made Emily’s stomach do somersaults and she had to look away before her face heated up in another blush. She turned on her heel, sock sliding against the marble flooring before motioning first JJ to follow her up the stairs to her bedroom. 

Emily was hit with a sudden wave of nervousness when they entered her room, realized that other than children of her mother’s socialite friends, she had never had a friend over. Her stomach flipped in a wave of nausea, unsure of if she was overdressed for the occasion in her argyle sweater and collared shirt, if her room was clean enough. 

“Just make yourself comfortable somewhere… and you have your textbook, right?” 

“Yeah, right here.” 

JJ set her bag down on the desk, pulling her textbook and notebooks out before glancing around the room. It was nearly all white, from the furniture right down to the ivory bedding with light grey accent pillows. It looked almost like the room wasn’t lived in, like Emily had never so much as sat on the edge of her bed, and the thought of having to live so pristine made JJ’s heart ache. She was brought from her thoughts when Emily cleared her throat, perched on the edge of the armchair in the corner of her room. 

“So, how much do you know?” 

“Not enough.” 

—————

It felt like they had been studying for days when it had only been a few hours, and JJ wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t know enough. Emily was shocked she made it this far in French, only having retained basic words — she had to start at the beginning, conjugating verbs, much to JJ’s chagrin. 

“I need a break.” JJ moaned, hand running through her hair, slightly askew from her nervous twirling. 

“Me too. I can’t believe you were never taught how to conjugate être verbs.” 

“Not all of us had the pleasure of picking up the language from locals in Paris.” 

JJ’s tone lacked the bite Emily was used to from most classmates, a small smile playing on her lips instead. She closed her textbook, straightening her back and letting out a soft sigh. It felt like she was never going to grasp the material, let alone pass French this year. 

There was a beat of silence between them, Emily chewing on her bottom lip in contemplation as she looked at JJ, curiosity etched into her features. Somehow, after only spending a few hours around Jennifer alone, Emily felt so free with her — like she could say or do anything with no judgement. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“I’m not.” 

“You are.” 

She could see a faint blush coloring JJ’s cheeks, lips turned upwards in a confused half smile — like she didn’t entirely understand but she wanted to. Her brow was furrowed, head cocked, watching Emily carefully as she dug through her bedside table’s drawer, watched the way Emily’s cherry red lips turned upwards in a sly smile when her fingers wrapped around something, pulling out a glass bottle wrapped in cloth. 

Emily carefully unwrapped the bottle — a fifth of her mother’s whiskey — a mischievous smirk on her face. This was something she had never dared do with anyone else, not even Aaron, but somehow Jennifer felt different. 

“What’s that?” 

“Whiskey. From my mother’s personal stash. Have you ever gotten drunk?” 

She knew JJ had been present at countless parties — donning her grass stained, sweaty jersey, flushed face broken out into a huge grin — but couldn’t recall if she had ever carried a cup with her, always driving herself home at the end of the night. Emily had always watched her from afar, admired the way she smiled so unrestrained — knew she was Aaron’s best friend and found herself slightly jealous at the way they could both be so happy, so free. 

“Not really… I’ve had a drink or two.” Her face was pinkening, eyes downcast as she tried to look anywhere but Emily. 

Emily was cool, in a way that JJ would never be. Sure, she had friends that loved her, but she would never be popular like Emily and Aaron. The whole school parted for them when they walked down the hall linking arms, head cheerleader with her quarterback boyfriend. 

“Do you want to?” She waved the bottle for good measure. 

“Yeah, sure, but I can’t drive home and my mom will kill me. Especially after Ros…” 

“Stay, then. My mom won’t mind. Trust me, she’ll just be happy that I have an actual friend.” 

JJ narrowed her eyes at Emily, face morphing into a look of morbid curiosity. She had always thought that as head cheerleader and resident student body president, Emily’s social calendar was jam packed — now that it was on her mind, it occurred to JJ that she didn’t seem to have many friends outside of her extracurriculars, and never stayed long at parties they had both attended. 

“Are you coming or not?” 

Emily stood at the bay window, curtains swaying around her in the cool evening breeze. She nodded her head towards the open window, gestured towards the roof with the glass bottle when JJ only stared blankly at her. 

It was Emily’s ritual of sorts when life got too overwhelming, her mother too overbearing to handle, and part of her felt so naked and vulnerable sharing it with Jennifer. Emily smiled back at her, a gentle, shy smile curving her lips upwards when she watched JJ cross the room and stand in front of the window — climbed out onto the roof and held her hand out for Jennifer to take. 

“Do you do this a lot?” 

They were settled side by side on the roof, Emily wiggling her sock covered toes in the evening air. The sun was starting to set, casting the neighborhood below them in a pinkish orange light. It felt as though they were on top of the world in that moment, even before the liquor — untouchable and free, something Emily had never let herself feel with anyone except for Aaron. 

“Yeah. I come out here to breathe.” 

She uncapped the bottle, took a swig of the amber liquid and tried to mask her grimace at the somewhat pleasant burn in the back of her throat. She still wasn’t used to the sensation, tried to choke back her sputter and cough, settling for a loud clearing of her throat before passing the glass bottle to JJ. 

“I don’t take anyone else out here.” 

“Not even Aaron?” 

“No. Not even Aaron. He wouldn’t understand.” 

Jennifer nodded and made a small sound, something Emily couldn’t place, before taking a swig from the bottle. She tried not to pull a face at the burn from the straight liquor, having only ever tried mixed drinks and wine coolers at parties — only enough to enjoy the subtle sting at the back of her throat and fuzzy feeling running through her veins, never enough to get drunk. 

She coughed and passed the bottle back to Emily, felt her lips twitch upwards into a soft, gentle smile at the way their fingers brushed — found herself idly wondering why Emily would drink alone on her roof and not at the numerous parties she was invited to. The more JJ thought about it, she came to the realization that Emily didn’t seem to have many friends — not school friends, at least — furrowed her eyebrows quizzically as she watched her take a swig from the bottle, eyes trained on the houses below them. 

“Why are you like this?” 

The words fell out of Jennifer’s mouth before she could think about it, before she could craft a tactful sentence — couldn’t even blame the alcohol, having only had two long pulls from the bottle. Her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes still watching Emily’s eyes as she watched the sunset over the neighborhood — every house the exact same, made the same way and the same red brick — watched the way Emily’s expression morphed from sadness to curiosity, turning to JJ with her eyebrows knit together in a look of confusion. 

“Like what?” Emily looked over at JJ then down at her own clothing, wondered if she was too much or not enough — used to the sad reality that she would never be perfect, not in this lifetime. 

“I can’t explain it, it’s just the way you are.” She paused for a moment, watched the way Emily’s face fell at her words. “It’s not a bad thing, though.” 

The way she was — it was a foreign concept to Emily, to be anything resembling the person she was inside, having been carefully trained and sculpted to be exactly what her mother wanted from a young age. It was like a second chance at Elizabeth’s childhood, doing all of the activities and extracurriculars that she had always wanted to do but never had the time for. Emily had long since accepted that she would never be enough for her mother, and too much for her peers. 

She took a long sip from the bottle, what could amount to a couple of shots worth of liquid, before tearing her eyes from the rapidly setting sun. She looked over at JJ, her head tilted, wondering if Jennifer would tell anyone — decided that she wouldn’t, probably wouldn’t even tell Aaron.

“This? Me? It’s all my mother.” She passed the bottle back to JJ, pressed the cold glass into her hand, intentionally letting their fingers brush again. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” 

JJ hid her reaction in a chug from the bottle, head spinning momentarily as the burn seemed to radiate from her throat to her stomach, then down her arms. It was a pleasant sting, made her smile a little wider and relax a little more, laying back on the sloped roof before nudging the bottle back to Emily. 

“Explain.” 

“Try living in your psychotic mother’s mold for a day, I promise you my life won’t seem as glamorous anymore. I have to do everything exactly the way she wants me to. Head cheerleader, student body president, straight As, date the star quarterback.” 

“Little miss perfect.” JJ mused aloud. “And you don’t want that?” 

“No. Yes. I don’t know?” 

Emily laid back, joining JJ and staring up at the stars that were starting to peek out from behind daylight. She took another long pull from the bottle, felt her head getting fuzzy and cloudy. She wasn’t sure how to articulate how she felt, wasn’t sure how to tell JJ that she was jealous of her life — of her parents that let JJ be who she wanted to be with no judgement or anger, supported her in everything she did. 

“Let’s change the subject, then. Ask me something.” 

She was grateful for JJ’s ability to read the awkwardness of the situation, for changing the subject. Emily didn’t know what to ask, a million questions racing through her mind. She stared up at the moon with so much concentration that she nearly went cross eyed, let out a small puff of air before looking over at JJ. 

“Why didn’t you date Aaron? Why aren’t you trying to steal my boyfriend?” 

JJ let out a laugh, a breathy lilting sound that almost sounded like twinkling to Emily. She shook her head, snatched the bottle back and took a long sip before clearing her throat, waiting for Emily to look at her. 

“Two reasons.” She watched the way Emily’s brow furrowed, nervous fluttering stirring in the pit of her stomach. “The first being that you’re my friend, I would never steal your boyfriend” 

“And the second?” 

“I’m not really interested.” 

“In him? You guys have chemistry. I thought you two were dating for the longest time.” 

She laughed at the way JJ’s face contorted into a grimace, shaking her head before staring back up at the stars. There was a silence between them for a few moments, and Emily cleared her throat in hopes JJ would remember what she was saying. 

“No, in boys in general.” 

“Oh, so you don’t want to date right now?” 

The thought puzzled Emily, having always been taught the importance of beneficial relationships to her societal status. Yes, she loved Aaron, but she came to love him only after the start of their mutually beneficial relationship. Even though it wasn’t exactly who her mother wanted, the head cheerleader dating the star quarterback was good for her reputation. 

“No, I do want to date — just not boys.” 

Emily’s face contorted even further in confusion, eyebrows knit together and lips pursed with a question she couldn’t find the words to ask. She had heard of girls dating girls, but it wasn’t widely acknowledged where they were from. The concept wasn’t foreign to her, but it especially made sense given the person JJ was — soccer star JJ dating girls just made sense to her. 

“Emily, I’m gay.”


	4. I’ll Show You Every Version Of Yourself Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How did you know?” Emily’s voice wavered, laced with confusion and wonder. “That you were gay, I mean.”
> 
> “I feel like I always knew but also recently found out. Does that make sense?” She turned, looking at Emily and offering her a lopsided half smile. “Now that I know, I realize I’ve always been… not straight, you know? But I guess it really clicked at the end of our freshman year when I kissed Elle at a party.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! 
> 
> wow I just have SO MUCH muse for these two, I can’t stop writing!! so here is the longest chap I’ve written at just under 3100 words. hope u enjoy!!!

There was a silence between them, both looking up at the sky. JJ felt her stomach flutter again, nervous nausea settling in at Emily’s lack of response. She tried to find the Big Dipper like she always did when she felt anxiety creeping up on her — a tactic she had adopted long before her sister passed. 

After what felt like forever, Emily let her hand rest on JJ’s, shot her a gentle smile of reassurance. She offered her the bottle again, chuckled when JJ chugged from the bottle — waited for her to be done before she spoke. 

“Gay? Wow, that’s great, Jen.” Emily let out a breathy ghost of a laugh, shook her head before continuing. “Not good that you’re gay — well, it is good that you’re gay — but good that you’ve got it figured out. That you know what you want.” 

“I’m out to my parents, but no one at school knows— just Aaron and you, now.” 

Emily couldn’t imagine being herself with her mother — couldn't imagine telling Elizabeth her true feelings about sports and clothing, let alone something as big as her sexuality or who she loved. She felt a pang of jealousy that JJ could be open and honest with her parents, recognized that jealousy was the wrong emotion but couldn’t bring herself to move past it. 

“I wish I could be honest with my mom.” Her tone was far away, eyes glazed over as she looked anywhere but at Jennifer. 

“I understand if you don’t want to hang out anymore, you know?” 

Jennifer’s voice was small, had a vulnerability to it that Emily wasn’t used to. She was so used to watching her be strong, even in the face of bullies, that seeing her so vulnerable — so nervous — was almost surreal to Emily. She took the bottle back, let her fingers brush against JJ’s in a silent understanding — everything is okay, nothing between us in our newfound friendship has changed — before taking a swig of the amber liquid. 

“I would never stop being your friend because you like girls, Jen. That’s ridiculous.” 

She watched as JJ’s lips turned upwards in a small, shy smile, eyes focused on the ends of Emily’s slightly curled hair. Emily extended her hand, laid it palm up between them as a sign for JJ to take it, both still laying on their backs on the roof, staring up at the rapidly setting sun. 

After a moment, JJ took the offered hand, her lips twitching up into a shy smile that accompanied the faint pinkish blush coloring her face. Her grip was soft, hand resting inside of Emily’s hand — admired how Emily’s nails were perfectly manicured and white, a stark contrast to her own unpainted, bitten nails. 

There was a silence between them, JJ staring out at the houses below them, cast only in the glow of the streetlights, while Emily stared at JJ. She wondered how she knew she was gay, if she had ever kissed a girl before, wondered idly if liking boys and girls was an acceptable option — wondered, at a place deep in the back of her mind, if she could identify as somewhere between gay and straight. 

“How did you know?” Emily’s voice wavered, laced with confusion and wonder. “That you were gay, I mean.”

“I feel like I always knew but also recently found out. Does that make sense?” She turned, looking at Emily and offering her a lopsided half smile. “Now that I know, I realize I’ve always been… not straight, you know? But I guess it really clicked at the end of our freshman year when I kissed Elle at a party.” 

JJ laughed softly to herself and Emily had to wonder if she missed some sort of inside joke. Her mind wandered to an image of JJ kissing girls at parties, an unknown feeling bubbling up in the pit of her stomach at the thought. She settled on it being a touch of jealous anger, not a pang of desire or confusion. Emily tried to look anywhere but at JJ’s lips, tried to let her mind wander to anywhere but the girls she had kissed — decided to ask about Elle instead. 

“Elle as in Elle Greenaway, co-captain of the cheer team Elle? Recently broke up with Luke?” 

JJ let out a vague hum of affirmation, her lips curving up into a smirk. She laughed again, shook her head before looking back at Emily. 

“I didn’t know she was gay, she just broke up with Luke.” 

“You can enjoy kissing girls and not be gay or bi.” 

The thought made Emily’s head spin. She reasoned that she was slightly too tipsy for this sort of conversation, tried to push back the burn of jealousy at the thought of Jen kissing Elle — the thought of them doing more than kissing — reminded herself that she shouldn’t be jealous or angry because she had Aaron to kiss, the star quarterback. 

She idly wondered what it would be like to be so carefree — to not care about who she was kissing as long as it brought her pleasure — pushed away the thoughts as to why Aaron’s kisses had never ignited those sparks she had always heard of. They were silent for a moment, Jennifer’s eyes glazed over and focused on a streetlight, deep in thought. 

Emily found her own gaze wandering to Jennifer’s lips, the way they were pursed into a slight pout as she thought, found herself wondering what it would feel like to kiss a girl. She wondered if there would be those fireworks she had read about in the romance novels she hid from her mother — the ones she was forbidden from reading but always snuck home from the library under a sweater in her backpack, hiding them in a box in the depths of her closet until she had the time to read them. 

“Hey, Jen?” She had so much she wanted to ask but not enough words to say what was on her mind. 

Emily had always been fixated on learning, not just in an academic sense. She wanted to know everything about everyone — wanted to know the little experiences that culminated in the person that they came to be, the things that shaped them and helped them grow. It was something her mother never cultivated or encouraged, and for that reason she seemed to be fixated on it even more.

“Hmm?” 

“Before you kissed her, how did you…” She trailed off, bottom lip ensnared between her teeth. She was unsure of how to say it — how to voice her own questions without sounding like she was prying or asking too much. 

“How did I come to the conclusion that I was pretty sure I was gay?” 

“Yeah, that.” Emily’s eyes were trained on Jennifer’s lips, watched the way she talked and the ever present subtle smile hiding behind her words. “Only if you want to tell me.” 

“No, I don’t mind. Pass me that bottle.” Her fingers grazed Emily’s as she took the drink from her, taking a long swig from the bottle before clearing her throat. “I guess I always knew I was definitely not straight. None of my celebrity crushes were men… not even my teacher crushes.” 

Emily’s mind briefly wandered to Mrs. Blake and how much she liked her — questioned for a second if it was a crush or just that she liked being a teacher’s pet. She put it out of her mind, eyes trained on Jennifer as she spoke. 

“Do you remember when I briefly dated Will in the beginning of ninth grade?” 

“Lamontagne?” Emily had a hazy memory of the beginning of ninth grade, so consumed with student council, French club, cheer, and her other activities. “As in FFA cowboy Will? The transfer with the funny accent?” 

They both laughed, Jennifer nodding. There was a faint flush coloring her cheeks, most likely embarrassed by the memory. It wasn’t that he was unpopular, he was just everything that Jennifer wasn’t — while she was captain of the soccer team, he was getting up in the early hours of the morning to tend to cows and chickens before school. The more Emily thought of it, she had a vague recollection of Jennifer dating Will briefly at one point — laughed to herself when she realized just how funny of a couple they would be, sporty Jennifer beside Will in his signature cowboy hat and boots. 

“I take it the relationship didn’t work out?” 

“Not even enough to pretend.” Jennifer laughed softly, shaking her head. “I didn’t do a lot with him but there was no attraction — no excitement. It was a pretty firm idea in my head when we broke up… the gayness, I mean.” 

“There were no fireworks?” 

Jennifer was silent for a moment, bottom lip ensnared between her teeth as she pondered the question. Emily was right in describing it as lackluster, definitely not anywhere near the fireworks they had read about in books as children or seen in the romance films their mothers watched — but she wasn’t sure if she had ever felt those fireworks for anyone before. After a few minutes of quiet deliberation, she shook her head, confirming Emily’s thought. 

“But there were fireworks with Elle? And other girls, I’m assuming.” 

“Yes and no, I guess.” JJ pursed her lips in thought before offering Emily a reassuring smile. “There weren’t fireworks, but I knew it was right — more right than kissing a man, you know?” 

Emily hummed out a vague noise in understanding, smiled back at Jennifer in an unguarded way she reserved for very few people. Her mind wandered to her own sexuality — or lack thereof — wondered if her lack of fireworks was from kissing the wrong person or the wrong gender entirely. 

They sat in silence for a while, both reclined on the roof and looking at the moon above them while the night air turned from cool to cold. Jennifer shivered, palms of her hands rubbing at her biceps, and Emily kicked herself for not bringing a blanket out. She didn’t want to ruin the moment — to break the comfortable silence between them by clambering back inside — decided to pull off her sweater instead, work over a button down blouse and tucked into her mini skirt. 

“Here, take this.” 

She handed Jennifer the sweater, bit back a small smirk at the way the argyle sweater would look over ripped skinny jeans and a band tee. They both sat up slightly, Emily watching transfixed as Jennifer slipped her sweater on, smiling brightly and murmuring a shy thanks. 

“Pre-warmed, I like it.” 

Emily tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when she looked at Jennifer in her sweater — wondered if this was the way Aaron felt when she wore his letterman jacket. She reasoned with herself that she was probably being ridiculous, this wasn’t anywhere near the same, she had simply loaned a sweater to her friend. 

Somehow, her eyes kept wandering back to Jennifer’s face, watched her quietly as a ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. The way Jennifer’s eyes shone with a silent wonder, watching the cars go down the road made Emily’s heart clench — made her wish she could find a quiet joy in the little things. 

“Have you ever thought about it?” Jennifer’s voice was raspy, cleared her throat before looking over at Emily. “Kissing a girl, I mean.” 

“Yeah.” She nodded, tried to keep her tone calm and even — tried not to show her curiosity. “I’ve never… but I’ve wondered.” 

“Never acted on it?” 

“No. My first kiss was in eleventh grade.” 

Jennifer tried not to act shocked by Emily’s admission, but it was almost unbelievable to her that someone as cool and popular as Emily had only recently been kissed. She cocked her head, idly wondered if Aaron was Emily’s first — not just kiss, everything— made a mental note to ask him if Emily was his first too. 

“Was it Hotch?” 

“Yeah, it was Aaron.” 

A small smile played on Emily’s lips at the memory — remembered it like it had been yesterday. They had been dating for a few weeks and she had told him that she wouldn’t kiss him until the time was right — didn’t believe in kissing before he even got to know her. They had been to dinner and were walking around her neighborhood hand in hand, stopped in front of the duck pond where she ultimately let him bend and kiss her. She laughed softly to herself, thought that it would have been truly perfect if there had been those fireworks, but there weren’t — only a tingle of something in the pit of her stomach when their mouths connected. 

She never understood the point of kissing — never understood how it was as pleasurable as people described it. Emily remembered Elle telling her about making out with Luke during a movie, so absorbed in each other they barely watched the film, and she just couldn’t fathom how kissing someone could be that good — could be anything other than the awkward chaste meshing of two pairs of lips. 

“I… have a question.” She kicked herself for even opening her mouth, took a swig of amber liquid from the bottle so she could blame it on the alcohol. 

“Hm?” 

“Is it — kissing, I mean — good? It’s always felt so awkward with Aaron…” 

Jennifer let out a small noise of agreement, lips pursing and brows furrowing in thought before smiling — so gently and warmly that it made Emily’s stomach flutter. There was no judgement in her tone, in her gaze, only inviting warm energy that made her feel safe and unashamed. 

“It depends on who you’re kissing. When I kissed Will? It was awkward and bad. But when I’m kissing a girl I’m definitely aware of how gay I am — I could seriously kiss a girl for hours. Their lips are soft and it’s just better… like butterflies.” 

Emily nodded, let Jennifer’s answer sink in, her mind wandering. She wondered if she would like kissing a girl — if it would be any different. If those butterflies would worm their way into her stomach the way Jennifer described. She couldn’t be gay — not with a boyfriend that she found unashamedly attractive — but wondered if there was a halfway point between gay and straight, decided to put that out of her mind for a moment. 

“I’ve always thought about it. Trying it with a girl.” 

“Do you want to…? We could, just to see.” 

She felt her heart race at Jennifer’s suggestion, at the way her stomach flipped with nervous butterflies. Her mind was a bit too hazy to rationally think — to sort out the pros from the cons, consider the offer clearly. Emily’s drunken mind reasoned that no, it wouldn’t be cheating on Aaron because sometimes girls kiss their friends — it could be like practicing to be better for him. 

After a moment, Emily nodded, slow and deliberate. She sat up, pushed the glass bottle back through the window into her bedroom before turning to Jennifer, a nervous half smile on her lips. She wondered if she would be good — if Jennifer, with more experience in general, would think she was inexperienced. 

Jennifer sat up, scooting towards her so they were sitting nestled in each other — Emily’s legs thrown over Jennifer’s lap. She cupped Emily’s cheek, thumb stroking over the soft skin, eyes trained on her lips just barely an inch apart. 

“Are you sure?” Jennifer’s voice was raspy, barely heard, her lips brushing against the corner of Emily’s mouth as she waited for an answer — if she was sure she wanted to go through with it. 

Emily could barely choke out an answer, heart thudding in her chest and stomach flipping. She couldn’t tell if it was desire or anxiety, but rather liked the way it felt — the way she felt wanted and cared about. 

“Yes, I’m sure.” Her voice was too soft to even be a whisper, eyes fluttering shut. “You can kiss me.” 

There was a sharp intake of breath from both of them as their lips connected, Jennifer pulling Emily into her. It was like the world slowed down, and nothing mattered between them other than the press of their lips, the way Jennifer exhaled against Emily’s lips and let her tongue dance out and brush across her bottom lip. 

When they finally pulled apart after what felt like a few seconds and an eternity all rolled into one, they were both flushed, cheeks pinkened and chests heaving. There was a soft smile on Jennifer’s face, eyes shining in a way that made Emily’s heart leap. 

Emily tried to ignore the fact that in all the times she had kissed Aaron, she had never felt anything like this — so good and true. Her stomach felt like it was fluttering, lips tingling from the touch. Was this the fireworks? The dull burn in the pit of her stomach was almost distracting — almost made her miss Jennifer’s soft murmur of a question. 

“What’d you say?” 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m good.” Emily smiled, tried to look anywhere but at Jennifer’s lips — settled on her sparkly blue eyes instead. “You?” 

“I’m okay. No hard feelings, right?” 

Emily nodded, glad that nothing would be weird between them. Jennifer was her first friend outside of her mother’s influence — the first friend that looked past her outward appearance and got to know the person she was, outside of the cheerleading, rich girl exterior shell of a person she hated so much. 

“So… still straight?” 

“Yeah, still straight.” 

Emily forced a laugh, afraid to admit the butterflies in her stomach and tingling in her lips from a simple, chaste kiss from her friend — tried to push back the feelings of confusion and desire, of something suddenly clicking and giving way to a new level of questioning herself, questioning everything she thought she knew. 

“Good. Wouldn’t want to turn you gay.” 

“You could never.”


End file.
